Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This Week's Weekend Douche Is Brought To You By...The Bold and The Beautiful!!!

Let's be totally honest with ourselves, soap operas are totally up our alley! I had never watched one, aside from the always plot sophisticated random telenovella, until Bob Wiley suggested "The Bold and the Beautiful". Frankly, it changed my life. B&B, the masterpiece, revolves around two rival fashion houses. To be expected, every character had married each other 50 times. But, due to subject matter, as a special treat, there are fashion shows that are a cross between a 1991 John Paul Gaultier show and your current Joyce Leslie summer line. This show is everything.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Who's The Douche Now?

This past weekend I woke up at 8:30 in the morning extremely hungover and immediately started throwing up. After nursing my sickness and watching 2 previously taped episodes of "The Bold and the Beautiful", I left to begin my quest to buy sports bras for the gym. I know you are thinking, how does this bitch have the nerve to exercise with all the degenerate behaviour she partakes in? Umm, I don't exercise, but I just joined the gym and before I could start not going, I needed the proper equipment.

Anyway, I headed down Broadway to the Filene's Basement. Upon entering, I noticed there were no sports bras to be found. My head pounding and vomit on my shirt, I waltzed up to a saleswoman and asked for her help. She said they didn't carry any, but the Danskin store on Broadway did. It was at this point I looked her in the face and said " And where is Broadway from here?" to which she responded "Ohhh, you are a tourist! You are on Broadway!" This is my 8th year here and I am obviously becoming more and more of a douche as the years go by.

P.S The Danskin store charged me about $50 for those sports bras. My life is shit.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Can You Run In Those Shoes?

This story comes from a dear friend of mine located in New York, New York. She would like to be known Spaghetti Cat. Okay, I want her to be known as Spaghetti Cat. The story comes from her college years. Awat we go! Warning: some might find this content objectionable. Remember, we don't condone it..

Senior year in college, I went to a pre-game at my friends' apartment. I noticed there were several very young women present and the whole thing felt very Roman Polanski. I was told that my male friends had met them outside one of the freshmen dorms and invited them to a party. I liked the girls and suggested that they leave before things turned ugly. No one headed the warning.

While being sexually harassed by one of my drunken friends, I zoomed in on a freshman girl who was an exact 300 pound doppelganger for Hatchet Face from the movie “Cry Baby” speaking to my particularly classy friend. I rushed over, but was stopped by my walking STD friend who suggested we take a shot. Since I bordered on alcoholism, I figured why not. Next, I had a touching conversation with my friend, where he referred to me strictly as "Sweet Tits" This, of course, was a clever means of distracting the only feminist in the apartment so my other friend could bring Hatchet Face into the bathroom and have sex with her.

As the two exited the bathroom, Hatchet Face skipped towards me, filling her shot glass with Southern Comfort, turning to me to say "I was so worried that when I left for college I would never meet anyone. But it is only my first week here and I have already met you guys, who remind me exactly of my friends from home!” I swigged my drink, trying to ignore the awkward delusion that I just encountered.

Thirty minutes later, the boys were ready to close up shop and head to the bars where the magic happened. Fake i.d. from 6th Avenue City baby! As the doors were being locked, my friend approached, looked me straight in the face and asked “ Do you think you could run in those shoes?” I looked down at my 3 inch heels and answered “Umm, from the Heat yes, but I would care to avoid it. Why?” My friend pointed in the direction of Hatchet Face and responded “ Because we are going to have to run from that bitch right there!”, grabbing me, and literally dragged me down the street, full sprint. I was told not to look back, like a modern day Sodom and Gomora.

S.C, who loves you baby?!Your friends are true gentlemen and scholars! I imagine writing that story down will save you some money on the inevitable therapy that followed. Thanks for the submission! Please send all submissions to

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Grub Street Covers BBQ Opening!

A couple of months ago New York Mag covered the re-opening of the BBQ by NYU. The article goes on to point out the non-affiliation of this particular establishment with the other Dalls BBQs and seems to imply that no one knows the underlying reason cough cough drug trafficking and lower margarita prices cough. No, we are just kidding! Anyhow, there is a link below for the actual story. BBQ looks GLORIOUS in the post. Not to mention, that pic. looks very similiar to the one we used in one of our posts. New York mag, we will be monitoring you. Don't think you can just steal our incredibly classy and sophisticated posts on our watch!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Circus Is In Town

Photo courtesy of

So apparently they are going to open up that can of crazy and bring Michael Jackson's dead body to the Staples Center in L.A. Is it just us over here, or does it seem somewhat strange that they are televising the whole thing and there will be livestreams from so many networks? I guess when Princess Diana went, there wasn't as much access to this type of thing but this just seems a little much. May he rest in peace

Kids Say The Darndest Things

I was hung over on the train the other morning ( naturally, since it was a day that ends in “y”) listening to some Peter Cetera on my Ipod when this 15 year old girl stood up. She walked to the center of the train car and said the following:

“ Good morning ladies and gentlemen. My name is Tanya. I am 15 years old and a student. I am not homeless and I do not steal. I do have a job but what I do not have is a piece of gum. Please ladies and gentlemen, if you could find it in your heart to give me a piece of gum, I would be forever greatful! Even if you give me nothing, God bless you!”

This could have been one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life and NO ONE laughed! Was the microphone on? I bet if she smashed a watermelon with a sledgehammer they would laugh, clearly they lack taste. And you know I looked for a piece of gum for Tanya….

Editor’s Note: How come what is going on in the picture above has never happened to me? Where the hell are the ladies in the skimpy outfits handing out Snackwells when I ride the damn train?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Stay Wilder Than The Wind Brooklyn

And here we were worried that when we left, the douche quotient would lessen. Hipsters bowling, all that needs to be said.