Monday, April 27, 2009

Here's To The Nights We Felt Alive - A Vignette - Featuring Paul the Heterosexual Drag Queen and the Park Slope Strangler

Have you ever had one of those nights where random, insane things happened one after the other, with the next event being stranger than the last? Upon returning from Manhattan after bar crawling one crisp autumn night with Nora Diniro, Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Burt Bacharach and I decided, foolishly, that the night was still young (even though it was well after midnight). As my palate reaches the height of sophistication when I am tipsy, I declared that I could not continue drinking until I went to the deli and got a BLT with American cheese and ranch dressing on it. I opted to indulge while sitting on a random stoop on the southside of Williamsburg as LGMBB smoked cigarettes and drank a ginger ale.

While I marveled at the deliciousness of my sandwich, a kindly, tall, rather stout 40-something drag queen named Paul approached us and said hello. Apparently his friends had tied him up and left him at a fetish party, so he was looking for new soul sisters and brothers. He wanted to know everything about us, but decided that he would try to guess before we told him about our lives and loves. He thought that LGMBB was a lawyer or a teacher, while I was a paralegal or a cop. His clear (and totally on-the-money) psychic abilities not-withstanding, he joined us for part of the walk to our next destination, the Levee. (Editor's note: if you ever need a little bit of shit-show in your life, the Levee is the place to find it.) While we were parting ways, Paul decided to strike some poses, and asked me to take his photo on my phone and send it to him. I was too drunk to realize that this was a ploy to get my number, but I learned the hard way as he called me all that week, and even two months after this special evening. He may not have been my dream date but he was, truthfully, a sweetheart.

Once at the Levee, I opted for a house cocktail, the Gatorita, something of a Gatorade/margarita concoction, because electrolytes and tequila go so very well together. While at the bar, LGMBB met a piece of fine-as-hell man candy and bonded quickly with him. When they went out to smoke and whisper a few sweet nothings in each other's ears, I greatly amused myself by playing Connect 4 at the bar, and remembered that I had read somewhere that Beyonce was a Connect 4 champion. I alas was not able to channel my inner Beyonce while playing against myself. After a bit, or it may have only been 5 minutes as when I'm drunk I have no perception of time, I went to look out the window to make sure that LGMBB was okay. Everything seemed to be kosher, or so I thought. Not long after I returned to my brain-busting game, LGMBB found me, and uttered two sentences that will go down in the annals of history: "He likes to choke women when he has sex. We need to go."

We left the bar, but just outside the exit the Park Slope Strangler stopped LGMBB and me, trying to explain to us that this was normal and healthy, that he just likes to experiment and that he wanted to be honest about his deepest desires, as he could really see a future with LGMBB. Because we were not easily persuaded, he decided to put together a panel of experts, a.k.a. hipsters, assembling what I like to call the Williamsburg Town Hall meeting. Among those concerned citizens weighing in were some sweet girls horrified at the Strangler's propositions, as well as a rogue Australian with a heart the size of his continent. I took a breather as the meeting got into full swing, and sat down on the stoop near the bouncer (who resembles a Nelson brother circa 1990 and could be the love of my life). A strapping young man, most likely in the 19-22 age range (let's just say I'm older than that), was so very concerned that I was chilled by the first frost of autumn that he offered to make out, which I happily did. I remember overhearing the Strangler asking LGMBB, "Is that your friend hooking up? That was quick."

The Town Hall Meeting soon came to a close, as the Strangler just could not make a solid case for his perversion, and the kid I was making out with was so drunk he didn't know where he was. LGMBB and I waltzed into the sunrise, safe and sound, watched over by the Australian peddling close by on his bicycle.

Surprisingly we are still allowed to drink at the Levee. That can't last for very long.

1 comment:

  1. One can only imagine that the elegance and sophistication that I exude makes men resent me and thus, want to strangle me. This actually wasn't even the first time that happened to me ( nor would it be the last!)