Monday, April 13, 2009

My First Time

This story is about someone I know and his first time getting drunk. We will refer to him strictly as Mr. Lorenzo Lamas to protect the innocent.

The first time Lorenzo got drunk, he was in 7th grade. His family was a little Northern Jersey Christian trailer trash (you know, 700 kids and the parents believed in family planning) so he decided to steal some of those airplane-sized bottles of liquor and bring them to school, Catholic school I might add. Lorenzo gives a couple to his friends, and decides he is drinking two sexy airplane-sized Jack Daniels and covering it with about 6 sprays of mint binaca. (You know you used binaca when you were in 6th and 7th grade. It was rank and awesome, kind of like the Axe spray of the 90s. I will stop now.)

Soon after, everyone had to line up for gym class. A game of kickball soon commenced. Mr. Lamas had never drank, and was unaware of the fact that alcohol can make you kind of a dick. Mostly a kind boy, the alcohol unleashed something deep-seated inside Mr. L. Lamas. Every time he got up to kick, he would purposely aim his shot at the fat kid who had a severe gas problem or the annoying kid who picked his nose and put it on his desk. In fact, his rage got so bad, he was asked to sit out of the game. He spent the rest of the class sweating profusely on the sidelines.

Upon arriving back to class, it was time for lunch. Lorenzo had brought a salami sandwich on white bread (the image of this is too much for me to take). As he ate it, he noticed himself nodding off. Eventually he was out like a light. He awoke to someone shaking him, as he apparently starting yelling and flailing about in his sleep. He told his teacher that the nightmare was a direct result of his eating salami. No one was the wise, but of course we now know better. This was the first time Mr. Lorenzo Lamas moonlighted as a douche.

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