Thursday, April 30, 2009

My First Time

My first time was at a birthday party in 8th grade. I showed up at the party after having gone to see the movie "Howard Stern's Private Parts" and frankly I felt like a badass mother shut your mouth! We were drinking Boone's Farm or Mad Dog 20/20. I can tell you for sure I had a Newport or 2, thank Christ I couldn’t inhale Newark Airport’s finest.

To make a long story short, I was standing there in this girl’s backyard wearing an oversized Michigan Wolverines sweatshirt with Jenco jeans, singing along to “I’ll Be Missing You” by Puff Daddy, when all of a sudden I heard screaming and saw people running for their fucking lives. Having no Darwinian survival instinct, I ran into the house from where they were coming and realized that the host’s couch was on fire and none of the degenerate assholes was doing anything about it. Finally, one of the trashy, predatory high school sophomores who had been hitting on me a half an hour earlier put it out. He was both a gentleman and a scholar and we would later "go with each other" for 5 1/2 minutes.

About fifteen minutes later after "Backdraft," I shit you not, there was screaming again! I ran outside this time and as it turns out, the strange Turkish girl that no one liked had fallen through this girl’s trampoline, breaking it, hitting her ass against the concrete. To make it worse, apparently the fall had jostled something in her because bitch had peed herself and was refusing to stand up because people would see. Ahh the pure elegance of 8th grade.

Editor’s Note: In looking for this picture, I found out that there is an internet fan club for Boone’s Farm. Here’s the link, you know you have a testimonial or 7 to write:


  1. 1. You would drink a boons farm

    2. The club not only allows for testimonials but also "suggests" a boons farm flavor of the month. I didn't know they had so many flavors. It's like the goddamn Ben and Jerry's

  2. When I was 15, my best friend and I decided to create a mixture of bailey's irish cream and grey goose vodka, because we thought it would work as a detox and rid us of belly bloat. You guess what happened next. Yum!