Tuesday, April 7, 2009
My Left Foot
This story is a fine example of my own personal douchiness and if I can save one from acting as douchy as me, then I must share the story. A few years ago I was in graduate school. Simply put, it was hell. Many of the students were douches in their own right, though not as fun because they were sober. As a result, myself and a friend felt the need to go to Happy hour on many nights after our late afternoon classes. On this particular occasion, my friend and I participated in several hours of happy and then stumbled out of the bar. Three steps outside of the bar I discovered the seal was broken and that I could very well pee my pants. Now, those who are not douches would have simply turned around and gone back into the bar to use the facilities. However, we decided the much better course of action would be to walk the three blocks back and use the school powder room.
We left the bathroom feeling refreshed and ready to drink more, when we happened on an exit out of the school. This particular exit was always roped off after 5 pm with a sign attached which said "Please use the front exit. This exit is locked after 5pm." What you need to know about me is that when I am drunk I think that I am Judd Nelson from "The Breakfast Club" and I really feel I can show the squares a thing or two. I look at my friend and say "I bet this isn't locked" and duck under the rope and open it. Immediately, the shrillest, loudest sound you have ever heard starts and my friend (who is much smarter than I am) hauls ass the other way. I start to follow her. However, I had seven stitches in the bottom of my right foot due to a tragic wine glass incident (I was actually sober when it happened) and was forced to trot like a horsey instead of hauling ass. Very stealthy. Don't let this happen to you kids.