Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Rum Makes Me Nasty


Last St. Patrick's Day I decided to get really loaded and act like a gigantic douche, a douche that pushes the limits of all douchedom. A meta-douche if you will.

So before I left my house, I decided it would be a really good idea to drink a ton of rum which makes me a nasty fuck. Me and my friends then go to the train, which was above the ground and kind of in the middle of nowhere, so we brought alcohol with us. This being the ultimate mistake of the night.

Once we got to Nancy's (which if you haven't gone, is a shitshow must), I had a conversation outside with some douche who tried to convince me that 9/11 did not happen. For some reason, I decided to tell him that I was a lawyer who worked for the New York Department of Housing...I don't know why or what point I was making. This very much sets the tone for the mistaken identity and eventual fraud that was perpetrated. Very "Catch Me If You Can" minus any actual entertainment value. On to the climax.

We then all went to some place in midtown, and promptly had to leave very soon after. While inside, I did fall off a bar stool I was told. My friend and I got into a cab. This is when it all happened. The cab driver did that "Oh, I don't know where I am going, I can't seem to take you to your home, which is located off a extremely well-known, obviously straight line path. I have to make several wrong turns and run the meter up sufficiently" thing they always do.

At this point, lit about the attitude, I decide it best to tell the driver I am an off-duty police officer and that I can immediately contact one of my co-officers and report him to the Better Business Bureau for cab drivers (I don't think there is one). He then tells me I am full of shit, at which point I proceed to scream something along the lines of "Want to play fucker? I am calling the 22nd precinct now. We will see who is full of shit when we have your license and ass!!!!"

This guy thinks I am nuts so he just takes us home and doesn't even make us pay. As I get out of the cab, I vaguely remember telling the driver to go fuck himself and then I fell flat on my ass. I got up, walked halfway down the street and fell again.

I got safely inside, which was a miracle, and decided to make a burrito and take a shower. I set the burrito down on the sink, because that is where you put burritos in the bathroom, and went to climb into the shower. When I got out, I slipped and hit my face against the toilet but remained conscious. Thinking back, I almost wish I had lost consciousness, and as I went down grabbed the burrito, which could have fallen extremely slowly on top of me, so the next day my roommate would have found me wet and naked on the bathroom floor, covered in meat and cheese.

After waking up the next day, I went into the bathroom and not only discovered the burrito, but also that I had an amazing black eye. Later, it was discovered that I had lost my license, which I was convinced I left in the cab, whereas the driver would then file a suit against me for assault. Luckily, someone returned it to the police station. Of course, I then had to go to said station to pick it up, where I stood among the other douches who lost some item of theirs while acting like an asshole drunk for sure. This was not the first time, nor would it be the last.

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