Sunday, April 5, 2009

Summer's Eve Douche



So this story doesn’t really involve a weekend, but it is nonetheless hilarious. It actually took place a couple of years ago, back when I was underage and drank much less, so I was a better spectator.

Five summers ago, my family decided to take a summer vacation to Disney World. I would like to preface by saying, I can imagine you all snickering, but Disney is the shit so don’t be a hater! While there on vacation, we decided to go to Disney Village (Downtown Disney for all those born after 1986) for dinner. The restaurant we chose was some upscale, seafood place (though if you think I didn’t DEMAND for it to be Chef Mickey’s you would be out of your mind).

While at dinner, we ordered wine. My mom, who hasn’t drank since 1975, which is a miracle when you consider she was married to my father, decided to have two glasses of wine and consequently got tanked. At dinner, the trashedness wasn’t entirely apparent, since she was sitting down, though she started talking loudly and saying some ridiculous shit, such as “You know, Aunt Terry can be a bit of a slut sometimes, and you know I hate to say it.”

When we finally left, my mom was kind of weaving as she walked, and my older brother suggested we bring her back to the hotel. I, having the greatest time of my life, looked at him and said something along the lines of “Everything is cool baby, don’t worry about it.” Moreover, I thought it might be high time we hit one of the gift shops.

Aside from the fact that those gift shops are shoplifting heavens (you have all thought it), there are also about 17 million overly friendly retail workers in them. My mom at this point, having hot flashes from the wine, started complaining about the people greeting her and offering to help. It was at this point that she became nasty, declaring that she didn’t need the salespeople “hanging on her ass.” F.Y.I. That is one of my mother’s favorite expressions to use when she is at a store having hot flashes. She once told a clerk as Circuit City “to go fuck himself” because he was “hanging on her ass.” I don’t think he heard it, but it was hilarious.

We then had to leave the gift shop and immediately get her one of those oversized Mickey Mouse head shaped rice krispie treats to sober up. True story.

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