Monday, April 6, 2009

Walk of Shame: One Douche To Rule Them All


One night Harvey's Mom and I got pretty drunk, so we decided it best for me to crash with her. The next morning, still extremely hungover, I began my odyssey home.

Around 8:30 AM, dressed in an animal house t-shirt, yoga sweat pants and flip flops, I embarked on my journey fearlessly and full of hope that I would make it home within an hour. This would not happen. As I walked along the expressway (true class), I proceeded to trip and fall, causing my big toe to start spewing blood which would run down my entire foot throughout the entire journey, causing people to stare open mouthed as I passed. I very much looked like a hate crime gone terribly wrong.

I stopped in a deli to get water, which I didn't drink as I am allergic to anything which might help a hangover conceptually. As I exited, I was greeted by a 16 year old man known only as Jerome, who would become my faithful companion until our alliance would be tested and he would prove disloyal. At first blush, one might have thought his salutation of "Girl, you got the finest ass I ever did see" and his trailing me for 6 blocks to be somewhat off-putting and possibly indicative of stalking. However, as with all great odyssey stories (and by stories I mean one, "Lord of The Rings"), attracting friends and foes along the way is necessary.

Slowly approaching Marcy Avenue, where I would decide to abandon my on-foot journey for the train, Jerome was tempted away by the siren song of four 15 year old hood rats in tight jeans and Nike high tops. Much like the betrayal of Jesus Christ by Judas, I was left alone, flabbergasted that the ties that bound us were so weak. Jerome proved to be a capricious companion. Like all true heroes and Green Day, I walked alone.

The train ride was anti-climactic, though I did have the pleasure of meeting two indigo girl-type lesbians who were on their way to JFK for a vacation in San Fransisco. As I exited, a woman came running behind me, yelling to the conductor that she had forgotten her purse in the train. The conductor then opened the window, stuck his head out, looked directly at her, and flipped her a peace sign as he started the train moving, pulling out of the station. This was the FUNNIEST thing I have ever seen.

I turned onto my street and was stopped by a concerned citizen, likely a local drug dealer, who looked down at my blood covered foot and then up at my t-shirt and said "Shit, you like you had a rough night. You okay?" to which I replied, " I am AMAZING!" I passed him slowly with a knowing look, that shit went down and I had a good story to back it up.

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