Friday, May 29, 2009

Weekend Douche Update - This Week in Douche News



We are still trying to decide on a Weekend Douche logo, but I'm thinking maybe a picture of Tom Sizemore might do it - Hollywood Rag

Janice Dickinson on Finland's Next Top Model - Socialite Life

I haven't seen the Real Housewives of New Jersey yet, but if this is the type of housewife they've got, I may have to check it out - Dlisted

Make sure you take the occasional day off from hitting the bottle - Sify News

Now where will you Upper West Siders get your hangover cure? - Gawker


Any douche news catch your eye this week? Send the juice to weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Caption Contest Winner!



And the winner is...

"Rosie didn't take it lying down when the Donald called her a vadge hound."



Congratulations Duckie, you have won this week's caption contest, along with the respect of the editors. Thanks to everyone who submitted captions!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Moment No One Was Waiting For


This is a friendly reminder that we will be announcing the winner of this week's caption contest on friday. I will be honest, when I read Duckie's comment I almost wet myself. Almost, simply because the catheter bag is fit pretty tight these days. Step up to the plate and give us something, we will love it! I leave you with the recipe for Pina Coladas. I refer you to the second ingredient which is NOT regular milk. Apparently only Pinas from Belize have real milk in them. Well, there and in the T.G.I.F on Route 17 in Woodridge, NJ. The jet setter I am, I was confused. Suck it lactose intolerance. Here I come Dallas BBQ!!!!

Live From the MoMa, it's My Friends Lack Class!



So last night your humble narrator attended the MoMA Party in the Garden, an event of all events. I know what you are thinking: how the hell did this hot mess get in and who the hell do I need to blow to get in next year? Well, you can just forget me inviting you next year to both the party and the after-party, which will be held at The Patriot in downtown Manhattan. Or, that is where I am having my party in the garden if you know what I am saying saying.

Anyhow, Uncle Jesse Katsopolis, our resident Greek Adonis, was at it again. This time he double fisted pomegranate martinis (Uncle Jesse doesn’t drink the cheap shit. EVER. It is only Andre champagne for this epitome of sophistication and elegance.) all night awaiting the performance of Estelle. After going outside to get my annoying, constantly late friend, I made my way to the front of the stage where Uncle Jesse was. It was at this point I heard “HEY GRRRL!!!” yelled at me and watched as Uncle Jesse hoisted himself on to a piece of stage apparatus and begun to hang off a pole. Meanwhile, his pomegranate martini sprayed the crowd. Disgusted by his movements being minimized by this glass, Uncle Jesse threw the glass on the ground, shattering it into pieces, likely injuring several people.

As he collapsed from the self-made sex podium, he attempted to dance up on a girl in the crowd who looked like she was about to cut his ass. It was at this point that Uncle Jesse was made to leave. Seven people strong, we carried the Greek’s drunken ass outside, where he refused to go home, lit a cigarette and attempted to go back into the MoMA. Oh, Uncle Jesse. You can be a drunk-ass bitch, but NO ONE smokes in the MoMA. It was at this point that security was called to restrain the Greek in his corner until a cab was stopped and he was loaded in and sent back to Jersey.

Don't all really amazingly trashy nights involve someone being sent back to Jersey?

Beer, Beer, Beer

I was dicking around on youtube and saw this video, it's basically a compilation of Weekend Douches at their finest. Plus, the soundtrack is killer. Enjoy!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

This Week's Weekend Douche Brought To You By ... Schneider!

Schneider from the hit 1970s sitcom "One Day at a Time" is a weekend douche if there ever was one. He was the superintendent of an apartment building in Indianapolis but basically spent all his time downing six-packs and dropping in on a sexually-liberated divorcee and her 2 foxy teenage daughters. He was a sweetheart but also a shameless flirt and master of the art of the double entendre. (You could cut the sexual tension between him and Ms. Romano with a knife, AM I RIGHT?!?!)

"One Day at a Time" also features one of the all-time best TV theme songs. I know all your asses are dragging after a three-day weekend of hard living, so consider this my gift to you, to help get you moving:

Douche Was Like What? Caption Contest - Week of 5/26/09


Please leave your caption suggestions in the comments. The winner will be announced 5/29/09.


Got any pic suggestions? Send them to us at weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Programming Note


Weekend Douches rejoice, Memorial Day is upon us! Your editors will be off douching it up over this 3-day weekend, and we suggest you do the same. Don't worry, we'll be on and poppin' again on Tuesday, and will be sure to fill you in on any hilarious/embarrassing stories that happen along the way.

So go out and enjoy yourselves this weekend, and come Tuesday, send us your douchiest stories. Oh, and don't forget to bring a camera, we want pictures too! Send it all over to weekenddouche@gmail.com and we'll be your best friend.

Weekend Douche Update - This Week in Douche News


Tara Reid, enough said - Dlisted

I suspect this woman is a Weekend Douche - NY Daily News

Cigarettes, coffee, and alcohol ... a balanced diet? - Gawker

A documentary is being made about Amy Winehouse. I'm terrified - People

Bahrain lawmakers are trying to limit Weekend Douchedom - FOX News



Any douche news catch your eye this week? Send the juice to weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Caption Contest Winner!


And the winner is...

"After my paraplegic boyfriend has a few drinks, he makes me call him DJ Jazzy Jeff."

Congratulations to The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You, and thanks to everyone who submitted captions. In honor of just how much I love that moniker, please take the time to enjoy this video. You're welcome guys!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Moment No One Was Waiting For



This is a friendly reminder that tomorrow we will be announcing the winner of our weekly caption contest. Upon a quick scan of the competition, I think it would only be fair of me to mention that you should all gun for Fanny Pack. Weekend at Bernie's isn't bringing the heat this week, so you could be an overnight celebrity with the upset!! Polls close tomorrow morning, show us what you got.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Eurodouche


This past Saturday marked the 54th annual Eurovision song competition, this year's pageant taking place in Moscow. Each nation puts forward a contestant or group to sing and dance their way to patriotic glory, and the entries are generally, to put it mildly, ridiculous.

It's a European tradition to celebrate Eurovision by hosting parties and drinking heavily, and we received the following submission from Dr. Dolly in Glasgow, Scotland, UK:

"My eurovision party was excellent. I drank too many ouzo shots and passed out at midnight after throwing up in a bucket. I was also wearing the flags of europe on my head and accross my breasts. The next morning i found my greek office mate in his underwear in my kitchen. Apparently after my midnight exit he and my flatmate did the nasty....bet ur sorry u missed it."


Thanks Dr. Dolly! You are our first international submission. It is a big, drunk world out there. International douches, send us your stories! America needs to know how you roll!

For those of you who just need to know more about Eurovision, check out my alter ego, Katie Price's, entry into the British Eurovision semifinals in 2005. To answer your questions, yes, she is wearing a Barbie pink PVC catsuit and yes, she is pregnant.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Porcelain God Speaks To You



This pic. is a submission from a reader who saw this piece of class in a bathroom in the East Village in NYC. The thing I like most about this little bathroom statement is the sense of fairness. It is saying "Hey act like a douche, pay for it douche!" Thanks for the submission!

Please send all submissions to weekenddouche@gmail.com. Eye on the prize, one year anniversary party at Chevy's in Times Square!!!!

Morning Douche


I think our readers are well aware of my ill-advised love for San Loco, and the fact that every time we go at 3am LGMBB has to talk me out of getting a round of sangria for everyone in the house. Turns out they are now offering breakfast and brunch. Man, I could really go for the chorizo quesadilla right about now...

Anyway, I snapped this very high quality photo of their breakfast menu, also known as your morning invitation to bulimia. I'm pretty sure that the dish "Hot Mess" is named after me. I feel like I heard the cashier say it once or twice when I was holding onto the counter for dear life waiting for my burrito loco.

Monday, May 18, 2009

This Week's Weekend Douche Brought To You By...Celebrity Jeopardy!



Connery: I'll take the rapists for $200.
Trebek: That's "therapists" Mr. Connery.

Douche Was Like What? Caption Contest. Week of 5/18/09

Please leave your caption suggestions in the comments. The winner will be announced 5/22/09.
And yes, that is indeed a Jazzy outside of the classiest bar on 2nd Avenue. You might want this pic. for your wedding montage, so don't worry about the copyright, just feel free!

Friday, May 15, 2009

It's Chocolate, It's Peppermint ... It's Delicious!


The following text conversation was submitted to us by Jen B. of Clinton Hill, Brooklyn:

"I just drank fiive margaritas, wana come over and watch a movie?"
"Sounds great, ill bring junior mints"

Hope you guys enjoyed the movie, and thanks for the submission!


Sent or received any hilarious drunken texts? Please send them our way! We hope you know by now, it's weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Those Who Cannot Do Teach

It is with great sadness that I inform all seven of our faithful readers that I will no longer be able to go to Dallas BBQ. I have been sick for a couple of weeks and yesterday I went to the allergist, at which point he said something so perverse, I almost slapped him in the face: I am lactose intolerant. As I have suffered for my art for years, courageously drinking strawberry pina coladas with extra shots for material to share with you, I can no longer handle the pain. Last night I went to Dallas BBQ to say my goodbye and had three texas size pina coladas with extra shots, which was then followed by the splitting of a double bottle of wine with Nora Diniro, which was then followed by a dance party, but THAT ISN'T THE POINT. What your humble narrator is trying to say is, Dallas BBQ you will be missed!!!!! I am and will remain inconsolable. Cue the "Rainbow Connection" from the Muppets.

Weekend Douche Update - This Week in Douche News


Sure George, it was the guy next to you - Gatecrasher

If you're a Weekend Douche and also an asshole, this might be a good place to go to college - Gawker

Janice Dickinson drunkenly attacks a cameraman - Dlisted

A competition that seems to be specifically designed for Weekend Douches - Jezebel

I want to go to there - Dlisted

It's just Lindsay being Lindsay - Perez Hilton



Any douche news catch your eye this week? Send the juice to weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Caption Contest Winner!



And the winner is ...

"Where'd they learn to do that?"

"I don't know. Kids are doing it in their basements back home. Wanna try it?"



I Carried a Watermelon, you are a genius. Congratulations to you, and thanks to everyone who submitted captions.

For anyone who doesn't understand the reference, head on over to You Tube and enjoy this clip:

Dirty Dancing - Staff Party

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Moment No One Was Waiting For



This is a friendly reminder that tomorrow the winner of this week's Caption Contest will be revealed. We had a ton of submissions this week but there is still time for you to add something! I know you have it in you! In fact anything involving a misspelling from a cat would be sufficient.

If You Like Pina Coladas, and Getting Caught in the Snow


This is a Christmas Story, late-90s style. My mom's husband got shitfaced off her famous Christmas Pina Coladas (for whatever reason, she only makes this frozen delight on December 25th and no other day of the year). He went to take some garbage out, which was kind of a far walk, and left without his shoes on. He walked the entire way through the snow just in his socks. I howled with glee. The funniest part was that he still didn't realize it when he got back, even though his socks were soaked with snow and dirt, and could not understand what I was laughing about. This may seem minor, but to this stepchild, it was a Christmas miracle.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What Would John Wayne Do?

This installment of drunk logic was sent to us by Jesse from Brooklyn, New York (Park Slope in this bitch!) :

About two years ago, I was out drinking one night with one of my more alcohol interested friends waiting for one of my co-workers to meet up with us. While waiting, my friend had consumed a huge amount of alcohol. After my co-worker texted he was around the corner, I decided to let my friend know that this person did not drink, to which my friend responded "John Wayne said not to trust people who don't drink. I may not be John Wayne since I am Asian, but I am with him."

Thanks Jesse for the submission! It was fantastic.

Heard anyone say anything completely ridiculous while drunk, or have you been the one to supply the witticism? Please send any submissions of Drunk Logic to weekenddouche@gmail.com.

What I Learned in Jail Last Night



This is an oldie but a goodie. It's the story of former Gawker editor Sheila McClear getting arrested and spending the night in jail for drinking a beer out of a paper bag on the subway. Let this be a cautionary tale for all you Weekend Douches out there:

What I Learned in Jail Last Night - Gawker

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Drunk Logic - I Married a Tank



This submission comes to us from Michelle W. from I'm In Parentheses.

Upon my drunken husband's realization I would be furious with him when I found out he yakked on my best friend's brand new white carpet-- "Michelle's gonna have me committed. Thank God I didn't do this at her sister's. She would have called the police".

Thanks Michelle for your submission, and everyone check out her blog!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Here's To The Nights We Felt Alive: A Vignette


On the walk home from the J-train this weekend, Harvey’s Mom and I, while drunk, were discussing the legitimacy of Suri Cruise. I, for one, think Suri is Tom Cruise’s baby, whereas H&M believes she is the child of Chris Klein. After about 5 blocks of deep thoughts, we pulled over so I could finish my cigarette and we could say our goodbyes. At this moment, a gentlemen who would be known only as “Timmy” crossed our path asking me for a cigarette. H&M asked him his opinion on the Suri Cruise situation, to which he replied “ I don’t care about that shit.” She then stated that it was a sociological question, to which he responded “well when you put it that way, when I was in L.A. I knew a guy who….” (We can’t tell you what he said, we could get sued for defamation! I will say it involved a bottle of KY, some duct tape, a Peabo Bryon CD, and a Dixon Ticonderoga pencil. JOKE.)

He then told us he was leaving to go home and had been recording all day and night with his band, which were pretty popular. He then mumbled the name. About 5 minutes later, after he gave us his business card, I responded that I would have to friend him on facebook to get all the info on “Fuck Irish Companion,” his band. At this point, he almost fell over laughing for a good ten minutes. Apparently the name of the band was not “Fuck Irish Companion,” but I have since been promised that their name will be changed to this considerably better and smarter moniker. The point of this story being that sometimes in life we hear what we want to hear. I apparently liked the idea of a racist band which excluded friendships with Northern Europeans. Maybe even excluding all road trips with gingers. I can’t be sure. I will finish by saying that you should keep your eye out for their headlining Coachella next year. That name is going to make them stars. Big, bright, shining stars!

P.S. - Would you trust this sick son of a bitch in the picture above in your car, alone with you, driving late night through some weird place in Canada? That’s what I thought.

Douche Was Like What? Caption Contest - Week of 5/11/09


Please leave your caption suggestions in the comments. The winner will be announced 5/15/09.

Got any pic suggestions? Send them to us at weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Straight Costs $25

This text dialogue comes from Jan from the Upper West Side a.k.a. Connecticut.

Text 1: "I can see the lights of your car. You are outside my neighbor's house fucko ... I can't go down the steps, you have to come get me"

30 seconds later....

Text 2: "Get your ass over here and ring my doorbell. What do I look like, some type of whore who runs to a car?"

Sent or received any hilarious drunken texts? Well then, we would love them. Please send all submissions to weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Project Douche

I went to a birthday party for a friend that was held at the same place that Project Runway was having their post Bryant Park celebration. The Santino season. Prior to the party, I had been at one of those trashy Mexican places that doesn't card. If there is ever a fire at my apartment, I can be found there or the Dallas BBQ. To make a long story short, I was trashed already. I also had conjunctivitus, so I had to wear sunglasses at night. Ridiculous.

At the party, I keep getting drunker, until at one point, after having a sip of a jack and coke I realized that Diana, the small, unassuming asian girl from that season was trying to have a sexy party with me. This coming after I had sexually harassed Santino and told Daniel Franco that I had seen him the weekend earlier in the Lower East Side and that he BETTER stop following me. Once outside, I immediately start vomming into a trash can. My moment of greatness.

After about 15 minutes of pure elegance, I got a cab and went home. The obvious solution to being drunk is to eat and take a shower. I refer you to the burrito situation of St. Patty’s Day. This is my fucking m.o. My roomate made me an english muffin, which I brought into the bathroom with me (much like Dickens, I use symbolism) and I got in the shower.

I felt extremely heavy and became pretty convinced I was having a heart-attack and/or stroke. I swear I have 5 of each a day and yet I live! I started to panic and got out of the shower. Then I looked down. I actually went into the shower with my socks and a sweatshirt. My stupid ass felt heavy because I was toting 10 pounds of fabric up in that bitch. I then took these things off and went to sleep I woke up the next day with puke in my hair and the english muffin was still on its plate next to the toilet. It would grow accustomed to such luxury, and would stay there for a week.

Caption Contest Winner!



And the winner is...

"A baseball player, a transsexual ballerina bunny, and a power bottom walk into a bar. No, there's no punchline, why do you ask?"



Never Gonna Give You Up, you are the winner of a $15 iTunes card! E-mail us and give us your mailing address, and we'll send it out to you ASAP. Purchase REO Speedwagon's greatest hits and listen in secret shame while thinking fondly of your Weekend Douche editors. Thanks to everyone who submitted captions!

Weekend Douche Update - This Week in Douche News


The Hoff almost died of alcohol poisoning! I think Michael K sums it up best: "Normally, my advice would be, 'use, don't abuse,' but the Hoff needs to step away from the liquor cabinet completely. They aren't friends anymore. Have a Crystal Light instead." - Dlisted

The New York Times has a blog called "Proof: Alcohol and American Life." In "Proof," contributors "consider the charms, powers and dangers of drink, and the role it plays in their lives." That's kind of what we do too, but with considerably less class, and more derision. - New York Times

Amy Winehouse has been hospitalized. Amy, please see Michael K's advice to the Hoff, above. - Perez Hilton

Cool stuff made with beer cans! - City Rag

We may need to consider re-naming this site "Weekend Kiefer Sutherland." - E! Online

Can you test your blood alcohol level with your iPhone? - TMCnet


Any douche news catch your eye this week? Send the juice to weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Gonna Spread My Wings, Sweet 26...Part II


The stunning conclusion to Lil'Jimmy's 26th birthday party with the boys from T-fly...

On the walk to the strip club, we were all brimming with anticipation and jumping all over each other like little retard children off to the dairy farm. Milk! they yell. Funny how hanging out with your old middle school friends can devolve you right back into adolescence. We were cracking jokes without punchlines and laughing way too loud at them.


We got to the strip club and because I’m a Jew I informed the lady at the door that we were celebrating and could she help with the cover charge? I would be comped but my three friends would have to pay twenty each to get in. Inside it was couches and velour seating with hip-hop and techno music blasting and lights that flash red, blue and white sometimes. Girls on platforms dancing around poles, girls bouncing around in skimpy lingerie and talking to wide-eyed guys everywhere.


It was crowded, almost no space at any of the couches and the extremely large Doorman- Host had to help move a little guy with those arm-crutches to another area just so we could get good seats. Sorry dude. He would have killed the buzz anyway. Or made it more fun. I went to take a piss.


When I got back I saw that we were all beginning to sink into the pool of delusion so common in the strip clubs. Kyle was the first to go under, but at least he tried with a waitress rather than a stripper. I eased into my seat. The waitress Kyle was chatting with had huge tits in a black bustier. He was talking passionately about electronic music, and she seemed to be responding in a friendly way. She was far more beautiful than any of the strippers there – did he really think he could pull it off? He gave her his number and looked satisfied. “Dude now I feel like I can’t get any dances with her watching!” he exclaimed when she walked off to get our drinks. But he did get dances, many dances, and would glance around nervously after each one. Kyle looked over at me and told me again that he loves big asses in his face. I agreed with him. And I was stopping any creature with decent-sized natural breasts for a dance. I hate fake breasts, they are just awkward plastic orbs attached under a girl’s skin. Gross. Then this tall stripper Danielle with ridiculously huge fake breasts sat next to me. I told her we were there for my birthday and she was telling me about how she’s such a pothead and next week for her birthday she’s just going to get stoned. And I told her how I’m a stoner too. Which is a lie I quit two months ago. I told her I’m a writer of fiction and non-fiction, which is a lie this is the first thing I’ve written in over a year. “I love non-fiction!” she said excitedly, “I love Hemingway,” she continued and I could not stop laughing. But Danielle asked if I’d buy her a redbull and hell, why not? So she was still sitting with me when I saw Leo go down.


Leo disappeared with a petite skinny stripper with long blonde hair and tiny breasts. Did he purchase a hand-job in the back? Oh wait, there he was the bar, buying her drinks. He would eventually get just five minutes of dances from her and walked out broke at the end of the night. “Two hundred bucks dude, she got it all!” he said and showed us the empty wallet. “I asked her for her number and she said it would be prostitution!” He was flailing his arms madly. “She played me,” he said. Poor Leo.


And Ted, oh Ted. His final dance was with this large black woman with boobs so large and saggy her nipples were pointing to the floor. She writhed all over him for fifteen minutes and the whole time his face was in a state of ecstatic shock, for a total of eighty bucks. After she left he was saying “Dude she was so wet I could feel her through my jeans and she said Mind if I just get off on your leg?” And the guys were all impressed. “Dude, you could have fucked her!” Kyle said, pleased. I agreed with Kyle on this as well but I was thinking, is it a point of pride tonight that a woman would allow one of us to pay her for sex? My friends had all gotten drenched in that stagnant pool of pathetic stupidity, thinking somehow that they could get dates from these strippers. Idiots. I remember sitting with Danielle, with her stupid fake breasts while she said dumb things and I smiled at her. “So Danielle,” I had said, “you wanna go out sometime?”

The Moment No One Was Waiting For



This is a friendly reminder that tomorrow we will be announcing the winner of this week's caption contest. The winner will be receiving a $15 itunes gift certificate, which may I say, is awesome. If I were to win, I think we all know I would try to use my certificate to get Disney's "Heavyweights" on my ipod. Imagine how much smoother my A train commute would be if Aaron Schwartz and Co. could take the journey with me.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Drunk Logic


Sometimes, in the case of funny stories about drunk people, there isn't a long, drawn out tale of hilarity, but rather just a single sentence that comes out of a drunkard's mouth that is so absurd, so irrational, and so funny, it needs to be shared. Hence I submit to you something my mom said, or rather shouted at the top of her lungs, while dancing at her stepson's wedding, after about 2 bottles of wine:

"Everybody wants to BE me!!!" (This was followed by a solid 90 seconds of maniacal laughter.)


Heard any hilarious drunk logic? Send it to us at weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Cinco de Mayo....the drunk's holiday!



No one really knows why people celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Truth be told, I think St. Patrick's day just proved to not be enough. There is something about drunk bastards requesting extra shots of cuervo in their coconut margarita while wearing a sombrero that brings a smile to my face. If anyone wants us, we will be partying at the Caliente Cab Company in the West Village. We thought Chevy's might be too crowded and Dallas BBQ simply isn't seasonal enough. Happy May 5th!!!!

Without a Noise, Without My Pride, I Reach Out From the Inside ... In Your Eye


This story comes to us from reader Bridget D.

Freshman year in college, my roommate was Danielle from Las Vegas who just did not stop partying. She was smart and a great person, but spent all her time at the frats. She smelled like Heineken and hooked up with the grossest pledgemaster she could find.

During rush, I got a call at 4 in the morning. It was a deep male voice that frantically said "Is this Bridget?" I responded "Yes, is someone in the hospital, what is going on?" The voice answered "Your friend Danielle is here and she can't see, you need to come get her. Your friend is fucked up, she can't walk straight." I was kind of insulted that he kept calling her my friend. Would you call Trishelle from the Real World your friend?

I ran in my pajama pants to the frat. There was Danielle. She was sitting on a lawn chair with a pool of vomit below her and her right eye was swollen shut. On the walk home, she kept repeating over and over "I couldn't see, don't judge me." I answered "Judge you for what? I'm not drunk, I can't speak this language." She then admitted that the reason she couldn't see was because she was having sex with one of the frat brothers, things got out of hand, and he ejaculated in her eye. The next day when she saw me she begged me not to tell anyone. This was five years ago. I have told everyone I have met since.

Thank you Bridget!!!  This is one of the editors' favorites so far.  We're putting it in our Weekend Douche Hall of Fame.


Got any good stories of drunken tomfoolery? Please send them to us at weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Subway Stories


So recently I was getting on the train to head back to Brooklyn after a wild night in Manhattan (of playing cards with my grandmother). It was about 9:00 PM on a Tuesday, and it was pouring raining. I see two visibly intoxicated dudes in their forties coming across the street approaching the subway. One of them is carrying a bucket of KFC's fried chicken, so naturally I was very jealous. Anyway, one of them says to the other "I think he called the 5-0!" (For those of you who aren't in the know and/or don't watch "The Wire," that means the police. You know, like Hawaii 5-0. Get it???) They both start running. As they're sprinting over the subway grating to get inside the station, one of them slips, goes what in my memory was about 7 feet in the air, and falls right on top of the bucket of chicken. Oh, sweet slapstick comedy. The funniest part of the story is that his friend was laughing hysterically, we're talking uncontrollable, violent laughter. I basically laughed like a maniac for about 5 stops myself, but my enjoyment was somewhat hampered by my concern over whether the fried chicken was OK.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Bar Graffiti



Sent from a friend in the Lower East Side, behold the majesty and elegance that is the bathroom at "Welcome to the Johnson's." The toilet has eyes. The one time I used the bathroom at this place it was actually overflowing with urine. One would think that it must have been clogged or broken. NO, actually no one felt like flushing it. Ahh apathy, the hipsters in their natural habitat.

Seen any hilarious bar graffiti? Take out your camera phone, snap a pic, and send it to us at weekenddouche@gmail.com. Lord knows you have done worse things while going to the bathroom.

Douche Was Like What? Caption Contest - Week of 5/4/09


Please leave your caption suggestions in the comments. The winner will be announced 5/8/09.

Update: The winner of this week's Caption Contest will receive a $15 iTunes card, so bring the funny!


Got any pic suggestions? Send them to us at weekenddouche@gmail.com.

This Week's Weekend Douche Brought To You By....NELSON!!!

This week's Weekend Douche is brought to you by Nelson. 1) I wanted to post one of their music videos, but apparently they don't allow the sexing up of one's website. Much like when I downloaded ZZ Top's "Legs," I would have been fine taking the risk of being sued for copyright infringement. 2) You all remember when Gunnar Nelson went on Celebrity Fit Club, wasn't even overweight and constantly told these completely fabricated stories about how his mom was emotionally abusive right? AMAZING.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Gonna Spread My Wings, Sweet 26...Part 1



This is a two part submission from Lil' Jimmy from Tenafly, NJ.

Part I
So I turned 26 last week. I told my few friends that I wanted to go to dinner over this weekend to celebrate. My friend Kyle suggested that after dinner we patronize a gentleman’s club, a strip club establishment. We all agreed heartily that that was a fantastic idea.

Leo was late to dinner. Me, Kyle and Ted housed a massive plate of nachos and all stuffed ourselves with entrees we didn’t even need before Leo even got there. Leo ate while we sat there bored and gawking at a group of a dozen trashed and loud 40- year-old women apparently there to see the live band that was setting up. One actually rubbed her chest against the back of Kyle’s head and tussled his hair and sang “lalalalala” when she passed, to go the bathroom, I presume. We all laughed at her merriment but were grossed out. Ted had tried to order a pomegranate and mango margarita and frowned when he found he could only order a pomegranate or mango margarita, and frowned even worse at the end when he saw that each margarita had cost $10.

After dinner Leo insisted on showing us his awesome parking spot and his new ultra-fast electric-blue Volkswagen hatchback. Mind you, at 26 Leo is unemployed and lives with his parents in New Jersey so I found myself wondering why his parents would get him a car now. To encourage his continued unemployment? We were about to jump on the train downtown to hit a few bars before the strip club, but Leo noticed that the mini-van in front of him was turned on and about to pull out, opening up an even better spot. The mini-van had that familiar blue sticker in the back window with the little white stick figure sitting in a half-circle, indicating a handicap. A platform had extended from the side of the mini-van and was slowly lifting a woman in a wheelchair into the vehicle. “Aren’t my rims nice?” Leo asked through his open windows as his the engine roared to life and began purring.

“Yeah!” Ted exclaimed. Leo went on, “If I install the S-six chip for like six thousand dollars, I can beat Ferraris and Lamborghinis! Like three-point-four or three-point-seven!” I tried to think what these numbers meant. The mini-van hadn’t left yet, we all stood waiting on the sidewalk for Leo. He began vrooming his engines over and over as his patience dissolved. This continued for several minutes after the woman in the wheelchair had been loaded. I got worried so I bent my head down to Leo and said, “I think they’re handicapped, they might not be able to go any faster.”

The bars downtown were uneventful. As we began to walk up to the strip club, Ted revealed that he expected to have explosive diarrhea very soon. Everyone decided to piss. So we stopped in Cosi and walked nonchalantly to the back where there were two unisex bathrooms open. Ted and Kyle went in first. A girl came up to the back of the line and then another girl too. “Do you mind if I go ahead of you guys? I just need to wash my hands,” the girl on the end said. We all looked back at her. “We each have six beers at least in each of us,” Leo said. “So everyone needs to go pretty badly.” Just then Kyle left one bathroom and Leo took it. I tried to lighten the mood with “Trying to avoid the swine flu, are ya?” “Yes,” the girl said, “I try to avoid everything.” “Oh,” I responded. Ted came out of the other bathroom relieved and smiled at us.



Will Lil' Jimmy make it to the strip club? Stay tuned for the next installment!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Sharing the Laughter and Love


Today we have a text message convo sent to us from Tom in New Jersey. This text message exchange occurred while his girlfriend was at Happy Hour.

Text from Tom: Happy 6 Month Anniversary :)
Text from GF: I came up with something special I wanted to say for this.
Text from Tom: Which is?
10 minutes go by then response
Text from GF: you and me, we gotta be the luckiest dreamers, we never stop dreaming.
Text from Tom: that is from Growing Pains
Text from GF: I couldn't date someone who didn't know that. P.S. Im drunkkk! Happy 6! ;)

Thanks for the exchange Tom, as always we greatly appreciate it.

Sent or received any hilarious drunken texts? Please send them to us at weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Bar Graffiti

Bar bathrooms tend to be, generally speaking, totally disgusting. The one pleasant thing about heading into one to pee or puke is the entertainment provided by the ridiculous, drunkenly-scrawled graffiti on the walls. We received this photo from an anonymous reader in Astoria, Queens, who apparently found this gem in an East Village dive bar bathroom.


I object to the assertion that Hall was a punk and have garnered some evidence to prove my point. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this video, "You Make My Dreams Come True."


Seen any hilarious bar graffiti? Take out your camera phone, snap a pic, and send it to us at weekenddouche@gmail.com. It'll only take a second!!!

Weekend Douche Update - This Week in Douche News



Umemployed? Look no further ... you can actually get paid to be a professional Weekend Douche: Gawker

Paula Abdul got duped by Bruno. Try to recover from the shock: Dlisted

Teens say Cinco de Mayo and alcohol don't mix. In other news, down is up and black is white: Union-Tribune

Swine Flu ... or Alcoholism?: Black Book Mag

Blind Item - See if you can guess the celebrity Weekend Douche: Crazy Days and Nights

The perfect cure for a hangover: Dlisted

Any douche news catch your eye this week? Send the juice to weekenddouche@gmail.com.

Caption Contest Winner!


And the winner is ...

"The next day, Paul really regretted putting 'You Can Leave Your Hat On' on the playlist for the office Christmas party."

Weekend At Bernie's, you're making quite the name for yourself here at Weekend Douche. Maybe one day you can guest edit the site! I'm sure with a screen name like that, you've got some great stories.

Thanks to all who submitted comments!

Also, enjoy this clip, inspired by this week's winner.