Sunday, May 3, 2009

Gonna Spread My Wings, Sweet 26...Part 1

This is a two part submission from Lil' Jimmy from Tenafly, NJ.

Part I
So I turned 26 last week. I told my few friends that I wanted to go to dinner over this weekend to celebrate. My friend Kyle suggested that after dinner we patronize a gentleman’s club, a strip club establishment. We all agreed heartily that that was a fantastic idea.

Leo was late to dinner. Me, Kyle and Ted housed a massive plate of nachos and all stuffed ourselves with entrees we didn’t even need before Leo even got there. Leo ate while we sat there bored and gawking at a group of a dozen trashed and loud 40- year-old women apparently there to see the live band that was setting up. One actually rubbed her chest against the back of Kyle’s head and tussled his hair and sang “lalalalala” when she passed, to go the bathroom, I presume. We all laughed at her merriment but were grossed out. Ted had tried to order a pomegranate and mango margarita and frowned when he found he could only order a pomegranate or mango margarita, and frowned even worse at the end when he saw that each margarita had cost $10.

After dinner Leo insisted on showing us his awesome parking spot and his new ultra-fast electric-blue Volkswagen hatchback. Mind you, at 26 Leo is unemployed and lives with his parents in New Jersey so I found myself wondering why his parents would get him a car now. To encourage his continued unemployment? We were about to jump on the train downtown to hit a few bars before the strip club, but Leo noticed that the mini-van in front of him was turned on and about to pull out, opening up an even better spot. The mini-van had that familiar blue sticker in the back window with the little white stick figure sitting in a half-circle, indicating a handicap. A platform had extended from the side of the mini-van and was slowly lifting a woman in a wheelchair into the vehicle. “Aren’t my rims nice?” Leo asked through his open windows as his the engine roared to life and began purring.

“Yeah!” Ted exclaimed. Leo went on, “If I install the S-six chip for like six thousand dollars, I can beat Ferraris and Lamborghinis! Like three-point-four or three-point-seven!” I tried to think what these numbers meant. The mini-van hadn’t left yet, we all stood waiting on the sidewalk for Leo. He began vrooming his engines over and over as his patience dissolved. This continued for several minutes after the woman in the wheelchair had been loaded. I got worried so I bent my head down to Leo and said, “I think they’re handicapped, they might not be able to go any faster.”

The bars downtown were uneventful. As we began to walk up to the strip club, Ted revealed that he expected to have explosive diarrhea very soon. Everyone decided to piss. So we stopped in Cosi and walked nonchalantly to the back where there were two unisex bathrooms open. Ted and Kyle went in first. A girl came up to the back of the line and then another girl too. “Do you mind if I go ahead of you guys? I just need to wash my hands,” the girl on the end said. We all looked back at her. “We each have six beers at least in each of us,” Leo said. “So everyone needs to go pretty badly.” Just then Kyle left one bathroom and Leo took it. I tried to lighten the mood with “Trying to avoid the swine flu, are ya?” “Yes,” the girl said, “I try to avoid everything.” “Oh,” I responded. Ted came out of the other bathroom relieved and smiled at us.

Will Lil' Jimmy make it to the strip club? Stay tuned for the next installment!

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