Thursday, June 18, 2009

Fun With Ernie Part 1

Behold, the first part of a two part submission from one of our favorite contributors, Lil'Jimmy from Tenafly, New Jersey:

In high school and vacations during college, we always would party at my friend Ivan’s house. His dad’s a big-time doctor and they just have one of those awesome houses, not a mansion but four floors of bedrooms, huge TV’s and good times all around. And he’s got a huge beautiful backyard and pool.

Now it’s fall of our freshman year, probably October or November. By then the pool had closed although it had not yet been covered, so the water was a gross greenish color with lots of dirty leaves in it and shit.

My friend Ernie gets trashed while we’re all hanging out. He drinks 9 shots of 151. Ernie is 6,2, and even though he’s a big guy, he can be a serious pushover. Ivan and our other friend Vans are like predators, they’re always on the hunt for shit like this. They are football players and really love to just beat the shit out of each other. One time outside Ivan’s, Ivan put a Bic lighter on the inside of Vans ear and lit it! Vans went beserk and grabbed a rusty hedge clipper! Luckily he was so drunk the hedges immediately caught his attention and he just did some amateur work on Ivan’s hedges instead of murdering him.

Ernie drunkenly makes his way to the bathroom outside the kitchen and closes the door. The first thing Vans does is grab Ernie’s cell phone from the kitchen counter. He presses the dial button. “Hello?” he says? “Okay, hold on a sec.” He kicks open the bathroom door and says, “Hey Ernie, what are you doing?” He then holds the phone out for whoever is on the other line to hear Ernie’s response. Ernie drunkenly replies, at first amused “I’m takin a shit!” We all laugh at this, standing around the bathroom where our drunk friend is pooping. “But Ernie, don’t you realize you’re talking to Katy Blum, the girl you were in love with in high school?” We all stop for a moment and stare at Vans in horror before exploding in hysterical laughter. Ernie’s eyes go wide but then look resigned as he sighs out, “Aww phooey!”

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