Monday, June 22, 2009

Fun With Ernie Part 2

And now, the stunning conclusion of Lil' Jimmy from Tenafly's epic story of one wild night with Ernie:

Cut to ten minutes later. Vans and Ivan are saying, “Come on Ernie, you know you want to go in the pool!” “I do?” Ernie asks? We all go outside toward the pool and Ernie starts to take off his shirt when Ivan and Vans explode in a barrage of dead-leg and dead-arm punches to Ernie. “Get him in the pool!” Vans yells. They struggle with him and he escapes, past the pool to behind the tool shed while Ivan and Vans split up to surround him. I hear a scuffle and Ernie screams “Stop!” and then nothing. Vans and Ivan emerge looking smug. I pick up Ernie’s shirt and walked behind the shed to find Ernie lying in the dirt, rolling back and forth slightly, saying “bastards, bastards.” “Hey man, you gotta put your shirt on, it’s fucking freezing out here!” I’m trying to get his hands to open and accept his shirt. He says, “Fuck you bastards!” and throws a big clump of dirt in my face. “I was trying to help you, you fuck!” I yell as I claw at my eyes. So I kick him. And I leave him there, with his shirt sitting on top of him.

Ivan and Vans are sitting by the pool smoking cigarettes, laughing and unconcerned. I return and sit with them, eyes still burning and half-blind. We sit there for a few minutes and suddenly we see a dark form emerge from behind the shed. Ernie managed to get his shirt back on. He walks toward us soberly and quietly and then starts running and hurls himself into the dark water of the pool. “Shit,” Ivan said, “get the fuck out of there, you crazy bastard! He’s gonna freeze!” He reached for Ernie but Ernie just swam into the center of the pool treading water and not speaking. Vans was still sitting in one of the lawn chairs and was chuckling himself into a frenzy.

“I gotta take care of everything,” Ivan said, pulling off his t-shirt and flexing his massive arms and pecks. He jumps in the water and pulls Ivan out like a mother otter pulling out her weakest pup. Ivan pulls away and hops back in the pool. This goes on for several minutes, at one point I remember Ernie half in and half out of the pool, lying face down on the concrete with his legs still dangling in the water, and Vans walks over and drops a huge mess of dust and leaves on Ernie’s head. We eventually got Ernie out of the pool and he collapsed permanently on the Oriental rug in the kitchen. There he slept till morning. Are we the biggest douchebag friends ever or what?

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