Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Spotlight On....MATE!!!!

There is a point in all writers’ careers where they have to make a decision to either write the truth and face the repercussions (the possibility of a defamation or slander lawsuit) or cower in the face of possible brilliance. Much like “Degrassi: The Next Generation”, we will go there!!
This is a new installment series where we will focus on one particular douche of the moment, and really concentrate on exploring how much of a douche this person can be. Plus every story involves alcohol, but of course. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, so we will refer to our first spotlight douche strictly as “Mate”, since he would strictly refer to his friends as this, though he was from New Jersey. I love Australian affectations, don’t you?

This first story goes back in the day, New York 2004 ( imagine a little Foxy Brown playing in the background for mood setting). Mate and his friend The Captain had a falling out over some money lent to Mate. After the money was exchanged to prevent Mate from getting into bigger trouble with a Columbia drug cartel or to buy school books, whichever, Mate just stopped speaking to the Captain. The Captain was pretty pissed, as he had been told several times by this charming rogue that he was Mate’s best mate! A true bromance.

To add insult to injury, Mate broke into The Captain’s apartment with a metro-card ( dorm living, the high life), drank all his Svedka vodka, filled it with water and spit in it, putting it back into the freezer thinking none would be the wiser. Oh Mate, you goddamn fool, alcohol doesn’t freeze! Upon The Captain’s discovery of this alteration to his $10 vodka, he determined there was only one person in the pre-med program that could come close enough to suffering from autism to make this mistake: MATE!!
He needed to find out for sure if the transgression was committed by Mate, before he opened a can of whoop ass like you never did see. He would get to Vladimir, Mate’s bestest mate, and get him to talk. This of course involved 2 minutes of threatened spanking, and Vladimir sung like a canary, ratting out his friend and once again proving you cannot trust anyone from Hungary, along with the fact they will stand too close to you at all times. Mate and The Captain never spoke again, except for when The Captain later tried to hump Mate’s ex-girlfriend on a garbage can, but that is another story for another day.

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