Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This Week's Weekend Douche Is Brought To You By...The Bold and The Beautiful!!!

Let's be totally honest with ourselves, soap operas are totally up our alley! I had never watched one, aside from the always plot sophisticated random telenovella, until Bob Wiley suggested "The Bold and the Beautiful". Frankly, it changed my life. B&B, the masterpiece, revolves around two rival fashion houses. To be expected, every character had married each other 50 times. But, due to subject matter, as a special treat, there are fashion shows that are a cross between a 1991 John Paul Gaultier show and your current Joyce Leslie summer line. This show is everything.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Who's The Douche Now?

This past weekend I woke up at 8:30 in the morning extremely hungover and immediately started throwing up. After nursing my sickness and watching 2 previously taped episodes of "The Bold and the Beautiful", I left to begin my quest to buy sports bras for the gym. I know you are thinking, how does this bitch have the nerve to exercise with all the degenerate behaviour she partakes in? Umm, I don't exercise, but I just joined the gym and before I could start not going, I needed the proper equipment.

Anyway, I headed down Broadway to the Filene's Basement. Upon entering, I noticed there were no sports bras to be found. My head pounding and vomit on my shirt, I waltzed up to a saleswoman and asked for her help. She said they didn't carry any, but the Danskin store on Broadway did. It was at this point I looked her in the face and said " And where is Broadway from here?" to which she responded "Ohhh, you are a tourist! You are on Broadway!" This is my 8th year here and I am obviously becoming more and more of a douche as the years go by.

P.S The Danskin store charged me about $50 for those sports bras. My life is shit.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Can You Run In Those Shoes?

This story comes from a dear friend of mine located in New York, New York. She would like to be known Spaghetti Cat. Okay, I want her to be known as Spaghetti Cat. The story comes from her college years. Awat we go! Warning: some might find this content objectionable. Remember, we don't condone it..

Senior year in college, I went to a pre-game at my friends' apartment. I noticed there were several very young women present and the whole thing felt very Roman Polanski. I was told that my male friends had met them outside one of the freshmen dorms and invited them to a party. I liked the girls and suggested that they leave before things turned ugly. No one headed the warning.

While being sexually harassed by one of my drunken friends, I zoomed in on a freshman girl who was an exact 300 pound doppelganger for Hatchet Face from the movie “Cry Baby” speaking to my particularly classy friend. I rushed over, but was stopped by my walking STD friend who suggested we take a shot. Since I bordered on alcoholism, I figured why not. Next, I had a touching conversation with my friend, where he referred to me strictly as "Sweet Tits" This, of course, was a clever means of distracting the only feminist in the apartment so my other friend could bring Hatchet Face into the bathroom and have sex with her.

As the two exited the bathroom, Hatchet Face skipped towards me, filling her shot glass with Southern Comfort, turning to me to say "I was so worried that when I left for college I would never meet anyone. But it is only my first week here and I have already met you guys, who remind me exactly of my friends from home!” I swigged my drink, trying to ignore the awkward delusion that I just encountered.

Thirty minutes later, the boys were ready to close up shop and head to the bars where the magic happened. Fake i.d. from 6th Avenue City baby! As the doors were being locked, my friend approached, looked me straight in the face and asked “ Do you think you could run in those shoes?” I looked down at my 3 inch heels and answered “Umm, from the Heat yes, but I would care to avoid it. Why?” My friend pointed in the direction of Hatchet Face and responded “ Because we are going to have to run from that bitch right there!”, grabbing me, and literally dragged me down the street, full sprint. I was told not to look back, like a modern day Sodom and Gomora.

S.C, who loves you baby?!Your friends are true gentlemen and scholars! I imagine writing that story down will save you some money on the inevitable therapy that followed. Thanks for the submission! Please send all submissions to

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Grub Street Covers BBQ Opening!

A couple of months ago New York Mag covered the re-opening of the BBQ by NYU. The article goes on to point out the non-affiliation of this particular establishment with the other Dalls BBQs and seems to imply that no one knows the underlying reason cough cough drug trafficking and lower margarita prices cough. No, we are just kidding! Anyhow, there is a link below for the actual story. BBQ looks GLORIOUS in the post. Not to mention, that pic. looks very similiar to the one we used in one of our posts. New York mag, we will be monitoring you. Don't think you can just steal our incredibly classy and sophisticated posts on our watch!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Circus Is In Town

Photo courtesy of

So apparently they are going to open up that can of crazy and bring Michael Jackson's dead body to the Staples Center in L.A. Is it just us over here, or does it seem somewhat strange that they are televising the whole thing and there will be livestreams from so many networks? I guess when Princess Diana went, there wasn't as much access to this type of thing but this just seems a little much. May he rest in peace

Kids Say The Darndest Things

I was hung over on the train the other morning ( naturally, since it was a day that ends in “y”) listening to some Peter Cetera on my Ipod when this 15 year old girl stood up. She walked to the center of the train car and said the following:

“ Good morning ladies and gentlemen. My name is Tanya. I am 15 years old and a student. I am not homeless and I do not steal. I do have a job but what I do not have is a piece of gum. Please ladies and gentlemen, if you could find it in your heart to give me a piece of gum, I would be forever greatful! Even if you give me nothing, God bless you!”

This could have been one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life and NO ONE laughed! Was the microphone on? I bet if she smashed a watermelon with a sledgehammer they would laugh, clearly they lack taste. And you know I looked for a piece of gum for Tanya….

Editor’s Note: How come what is going on in the picture above has never happened to me? Where the hell are the ladies in the skimpy outfits handing out Snackwells when I ride the damn train?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Stay Wilder Than The Wind Brooklyn

And here we were worried that when we left, the douche quotient would lessen. Hipsters bowling, all that needs to be said.

C'Mon Ride The Train

I know we said there would be no more posts because of the move blah blah blah, but one of my friends at work ( yes I have friends other than the Editors here and I also have a job miraculously, regardless of how often I view Casual Encounters on craigslist) and he told me this hilarious story and I couldn't deal with it!

My friend, Anthony is a Chelsea queen type gay guy. You know, extremely well dressed, doesn't eat, lives in the Upper West Side. Anyway, he was telling me how in the late 90s, he decided he wanted to be in a "scene". He had always been higly conservative, and just wanted to really involve himself in something. Sooo, the obvious lifestyle choice was to become very interested in 90s dance music. He already had a hard on for C&C Music Factory and it was the advent of KTU, so it was easy access. You are thinking, Burt, this is so goddamn typical, give me something. Shhh my young padione, it is coming...

So he buys tickets to this huge dance concert that was held at Webster Hall. Picture it, it is 1997. The concert has big names such as La Bouche and the Quad City Djs. Naturally, you also want to know if Crush who sang "Jellyhead" was there. The answer is YES!!! Anthony is at the concert, minding his own business, swaying to "C'Mon Ride The Train" when all of a sudden, some drunken 16 year old girl starts flailing about next to him. Well, my friend being the prick he is, he refused to move an inch. This bitch would not steal his thunder! He stood his ground and was consequently smashed in the face by the girl's fist, almost knocking him unconscious.

It was at this point that my friend looked the girl in the face teary eyed and said " You motherless twat, who raised you!" and stormed out of the venue. The next day he had a black eye. Much like a domestic violence sufferer, he lied and said he got the damage from falling. But we know better. He has yet to ever go to another concert and may or may not be a functioning alcoholic at this point. Oh yeah, and he is still gay.

Editor's Note: I am fairly sure this is live footage from the concert he attended. That is him, 1:24 in!!!!

Stick With Us, We Are Getting There!

You all know what a bitch moving is, so please stand by while we attempt to sort out the bullshit that is the process. For example, I am fairly certain i will never have a bed and will forever sleep on a mattress on the floor. I am also fairly sure there will be boxes in the kitchen for a good 6 months. Hopefully we will get our security deposits back from our old places, one can never know!! Anyhow, next week we will bring you hard hitting drunk citizen journalism at it's best.